No kids? Okidokey

Got a call the other day from a friend who was throwing together an impromptu barbecue this weekend. The idea came up only last weekend, and my friend said she'd get it together. Then she called me early this week with the word after surveying the other attendees: Nobody's bringing kids. Actually, she then decided to even getting a sitter for her own grandkids who are visiting.
Is that a problem? Nope. We got plenty of notice, we can find a sitter. The kids can do without us for an evening, and we certainly can use the break. If it was a bad time or we couldn't find a sitter, one or the other, or neither of us would go, no hard feelings.
We barbecued for just our family Sunday and Monday, took them out to a kids' themed dinner Tuesday, took them to a kids arts and crafts program Wednesday, are taking them to a festival/fireworks tonight, to a family barbecue tomorrow and another family barbecue on sunday. Saturday night, we can spend the evening with friends.
I know some parents get upset when told it's a "grownups only" day. I remember single, or married-with-no-kids friends feeling terrible about offending parents by requesting that no children attend a party. But I've been on both sides. I've been to parties where it's perfectly OK for children to run amok and to other affairs where children just would not fit in. I've also been to the events in the latter category where parents insisted on bringing a child or children. That's unfair to the host or hostess, and to the other guests who found sitters and would like a chance to relax without a child underfoot. Now there's a youngster who may need to be entertained, kid-friendly foods to be found and the "watch what you say in front of the child" rule in force.
Out of seven days this week, six and a half of mine will be devoted to work and children. When I got the message that this Saturday's barbecue was grownups only, I actually was a little relieved. This beautiful house we'll be in isn't set up for a gaggle of children, and I'd spend much of my time making sure mine were all behaving. Being able to chat unfettered with the other grownups is a welcome break once in awhile. We'll keep the kids busy all day, do some play dates and the like, then get our sitter and order a pizza for them and head out.
I always feel a little guilty that I don't feel guilty about taking grownup time, especially since I'm a working mom. But we all need a social life. Occasionally social and parent roles can intertwine, and it's great, but not every time, and that's just fine too.

Check your rear-end

This is a public service blog: Check out your rear-end. Of your car, that is.
This is a pet project of my friend Marj (creator of one of my favorite refreshing summer cocktails, the "Marj Madness"). She notices burned out taillights and brake lights before anyone. I pulled into my driveway one evening when she was going by and she stopped to tell me. Good timing -- my car was due for inspection and they'll flunk you for that. They'll also flunk you if your wiper blades are really old, as I found out. Marj doesn't check that!
But this morning, Marj pointed out another car going by with one of its lights in poor working order and noted a few recent occurrences. She told one friend that both of his taillights were burned out. "Wow," was the response, "Only one was burned out last week!" "So why didn't he change the one last week?" Marj wondered.
Driving to work on Route 18, Marj got stuck behind someone with one brake light out. So every time they approached a red light, she thought the driver was turning by the way he hit his brakes. Frustrating!
Another time she was driving behind someone who had a burned out light in the back. Approaching a traffic light that was turning red, Marj pulled alongside the driver to let him know. She saw a huge crack in the windshield and wondered if the lacking light would really bother him, but signaled to him anyway and told him of his burned out light bulb. The driver thanked her profusely -- we're pretty sure he knew about the windshield, but who checks their rear lights on a regular basis?
It's not just the potential for missing inspections, but think of two burned out brake light bulbs -- can we say rear-end collision?
Not every car has warnings for burned out bulbs, and not everyone with warning systems tells you about all lights.
So when the sun sets, check your lights. Thank you. Your regular programming will now resume in progress.

Teen drama

Something I keep hearing over and over again from parents of teenagers is, "Everyone's always telling me what a great kid my teen is. I just wish he/she was like that to me!"
I hear it from almost everyone who has a kid in the 14-18 year range, even from those who seem like the sweetest people in the world, where you think, "How could anybody be mean to this person?"
I've said it a million times myself. What is is about teenagers that makes them so crazy with their own parents? A friend of mine said she was told, about her daughter, "You're her comfort zone. She knows she'll get unconditional love from you, so she takes all her angst out on you." "OK," said my friend. "She might get unconditional love from me, but I don't think I like her much anymore." And this girl is one of those really nice kids who is great with other grown-ups, just not with her folks right now.
I can remember being like that. I knew exactly which buttons to push with my mom. When I was mad at her, I "punished" her with the silent treatment. That drove her nuts. "What's the matter?" she'd ask. "Nothing," I'd say in a flat voice, refusing to have any eye contact, instead looking the other way. Same tactic I use on my husband now. But back at 14 or 15 years old, my poor mother would get frustrated. Today, my husband doesn't notice, or, as I suspect, knows better than to try and pursue it. Oh well.
When my teen tries to bring his drama out, I shrug my shoulders and say, "Oh well." I can tell the difference between when he wants to talk and when he wants to "engage." Not long ago, he was trying to blame me for everything wrong in the world. I started answering it, and he said, "I don't want to talk anymore." "Fine, don't, but you have to listen," I answered. And he did, as point by point, I showed how I had nothing to do with his problems that day. He finally started admitting that he had issues with a friend of his and it was really bothering him.
Great. I take the brunt of the friend issues. Augh.
But by the time we got home, it was all out. But the only reason that it worked was that we were in the car -- there was no escaping.
I hate teen drama. And I have to deal with it three more times? At least I'll have breaks in between to regroup, reenergize and refit the armor.

I've got the Monday blues

It's one of those Mondays where I'd rather be anywhere else -- and with my kids -- than here. Mostly because I was reading the online forum comments about our Day Care series, a lot of stay-at-home moms and working moms warring off. It happens over and over again. Do we have to justify which choices we make? I know stay-at-home moms and I know working moms. Both sides have their ups and downs. But why do we still feel the need to defend our own status and look with disdain on others who made different choices?
My problem today is that I just haven't had time off in awhile. And yesterday was a great day with the kids, I wish I could have kept it going longer. We went to a picnic-party designed for the kids at a local beach club. We had water-balloon toss, the kids went into the water while it was still low enough time for them to wade at hip deep, there were burgers and dogs and chips and lots of other kids running around. I'll usually take advantage of that time to chat with other moms, but I found myself sitting alone or standing out on the beach and watching my three having fun. I was just enjoying watching their enjoyment.
And last night, the girls and I went to watch a movie, and rather than letting them argue it out over which they wanted to see, I picked a "Mr. Bean" movie, something like "Mr. Bean take a vacation." We just giggled and giggled. I put their hair up in French braids. Then when it was over, they brushed their teeth and got hugs good-night. Today, dropping them off at summer camp, they were all abuzz -- one of their favorite counselors wasn't there last week, a vacation kept her from starting until now and they were squealing when they spotted her from our car.
Sometimes I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom. Other times I'm glad for the distraction of work. I can't fault anyone else their decision, and I hope nobody faults me for mine.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be ....

I hate teaching fiscal responsibility, but it's something you have to do. I know too many people who get into trouble long into adulthood from poor saving and spending practices.
My teenager didn't work over the winter. After his job ended in the fall, he survived about three minutes on what he "saved" from the summer, then failed to get another job to pay for "extras" throughout the winter. That included Christmas. He suddenly needed to buy everyone he knew a present. Too bad. I helped him buy his girlfriend a present but that was it. I had been telling him since early November that he needed to get a job if he wanted that kind of spending money, and he kept saying he would find one. Two weeks before Christmas he got busy and applied at two places before realizing nobody would hire him two weeks before Christmas. He skated through the winter, living on some babysitting money and "loans" (now mostly forgiven) from us.
He's back to working now, and has started to pay off the debt I absolutely won't "forgive" that he accumulated with me over the winter (i.e. girlfriend's presents, broken cell phone fee, overuse of data and text messaging). But his last paycheck was light, from when he was still in school, so he didn't apply any to what remains of that. The other day we had a talk about college, and I said that once he's getting his full paycheck, he should get a checking account for his spending money and put the rest of it in his savings, with the passbook held under lock and key. There's $30 in it, leftover from last year, that I actually took off the debt that he owed me, provided that it's money that will stay socked away.
So during our conversation, he mentioned that of the $200 he got a week and a half ago, he's loaned out money left and right to his friends, now everybody owes him money. "Bad idea," I said. "Don't loan out your money, you probably won't get it back."
So this morning he calls and asks if he can get the passbook so he can "withdraw" $20 of the $30 so he can go out to lunch with friends. "Actually, that was my $30, not yours, and I'm leaving it in your account so you'll start saving toward college. So why don't you collect from all those people you've been lending money to instead?"
"But they don't have jobs!" he said.
Exactly. And you aren't a bank, or their parents, I explained. And now, you're likely out money.
Lousy lesson to learn, but one worth remembering.

I need a "Big Girl Band-Aid"

I'll crack up next time I see one of those clear Band-Aid commercials when the girl says, "I want them to notice me, not my bandage!" I don't think I've ever been concerned about somebody spotting a Band-Aid on one of my wounds. A nasty paper cut on my finger yesterday morning had me grab the first one I could reach out of our medicine cabinet, then I finished getting myself dressed and ready, I actually wore a skirt and a new blouse that I took a fancy to last week when I spotted it on a store's clearance rack, then did something with my hair and makeup and got the kids to where they needed to be and myself to work.
My daughters have half-days at school this week, so when I went to pick them up, I spotted my friend Carol's car and went over for a chat before my girls and her girls made it to the parking lot. We chatted a bit, then I spotted my daughter and waved then turned to say good-bye and head back to my car. Carol was laughing. "Clare, I have to tell you, you look great today, but ... you need a Big Girl Band-Aid." Seems when I waved, the bright blue Crayola crayon Band-Aid became evident.
"But doesn't it go so well with the blue in my shirt?" I asked.
Over the years, I've gone to work or other grown-up venues wearing bandges featuring the likes of Dora the Explorer, Hulk, Looney Tunes characters, lightning-bolt designs and other first-aid wear aimed at helping make a child happier about a healing boo-boo. I've worn much more colorful hair bands running out the door than I normally would have used, when I didn't have time to look for something that would blend in or go with what I'm wearing.
The scary thing is, I'm starting to borrow other stuff. My older daughter's flip-flops come in handy for a quick trip to the store -- at 10, she's closing in on my height and foot size, and since I stopped growing about 12, I figure I'll be borrowing her clothes soon. She already has confiscated some of my shoes. While my teen and I have drastically different styles -- plus he's really really skinny -- I did get a hand-me-down "I Voted For Sanjaya" t-shirt when he tired of it.
But I still have two little kids who will wear Shrek and Barbie shirts, and prefer a crayon-colored bandage over anything basic.
But for on-the-road boo-boos -- I keep a box of "flesh-toned" Band-Aids in my car. How boring!

One more day, one more day

Dilemma: My kids' grammar school ran into overtime this year, they don't finish until tomorrow. But my 5-year-old is already done and at camp already -- the girls join him after lunchtime there. My first plan was to pull my 8-year-old from school yesterday and my 10-year-old today so he'd have somebody nearby for his first time attending camp. But my 8-year-old had a stomach bug on Friday. He went alone yesterday and looked a little shellshocked by the end of the day. I went ahead and pulled my 10-year-old from school so he'd have her nearby. I probably could have pulled my other daughter yesterday, but there were things she needed to bring home before today, plus they got their yearbooks and needed to start collecting autographs. And I didn't want to switch the two days -- there was a good chance my 10-year-old would have a trip today so I didn't want her to miss it.

So tomorrow is the last day of the school/camp shuffle. Thank goodness. This morning was a little nuts -- my 8-year-old has a summer birthday, so she wanted to bring in cupcakes and today was the last day they'd be allowed since tomorrow is their pizza party.
So guess what we were doing till 10:30 last night? (Besides watching "The Bachelorette" and texting Erika about how much we loved Graham -- miss him already!)
This morning, I got one daughter to school -- skipped the dropoff today, had to park, walk a block with cupcakes then walk back -- then went back and did the top-to-bottom sunscreen on the other two. My teen wasn't supposed to work today, but the change in the weather prompted the boss to call him, so now there's another ride to figure out. But they're all where they're supposed to be now. After tomorrow, I'll be able to get three out of four to a single place. The fourth we'll have to figure out as the summer goes along and his work schedule gets set.