Impolite Questions
There are some things that just don't make for polite conversation or idle chit chat, and my son's medical condition is one of them. Ever since Hendrick started wearing a neck brace to correct his weakened neck muscles strangers have unabashedly peppered my husband and me with questions.
Some people even asked my boy, now 19 months old, what happened. We, of course, always felt compelled to answer because we don't want to appear rude.
But, last week, after enduring these intrusive inquisitions for months, I almost lost it.
An older, brusque woman at the fruit market yelled over a display of fresh corn: "What's he got on his neck?"
I paused for a moment as I collected my thoughts and quietly replied: "He has a muscle condition" then promptly walked away.
But the old lady and her adult daughter caught up to us on the check-out line. "How long does he have to wear that?" the daughter asked. Everyone on line seemed to be listening. I'm sure I turned as red as the tomatoes she was purchasing.
"For a few more months," I said quickly, then turned my back to her.
I find it astonishing that people might think I would want to casually discuss my son's condition with them, these strangers we meet in stores or on the street.
When I got home I vented to my neighbor. "Oh, my," she said. "I don't even like to make eye contact when I go to the store."
Perhaps I should start handing out little cards with Hendrick's medical history - along with the definition of torticollis and graphics to show what could happen to his sweet little face if he doesn't wear the brace - so these nosybodies can have all the details. Or maybe they'd like to accompany us to the physical therapist so they can see how we're trying to keep his head from drooping to one side. Maybe they'll be so moved they'll cover the $40 co-pay.
I know my son's condition is correctable and he won't be wearing the brace for much longer (if we are diligent with his care), but it is upsetting, and these unwelcomed interrogations certainly don't make us feel any better. There are times, such as when we go to a party, I don't put the brace on him just so his condition doesn't have to be a topic of conversation. Other times, I dress Hendrick in a collared shirt so the brace isn't so noticeable.
But what about parents who can't disguise their child's disability? What must it be like for them?
I thought about asking one mother I recently met whose 2-year-old son had such a serious disability he couldn't even hold his head up. I thought, for the sake of this blog, I would ask her how she feels, but I couldn't bring myself to broach the subject as I watched her hold the boy in her arms and feed him.
She has enough to deal with. She doesn't need to satisfy my curiosity. Because, when it comes right down to it, that's all it is.
Some people even asked my boy, now 19 months old, what happened. We, of course, always felt compelled to answer because we don't want to appear rude.
But, last week, after enduring these intrusive inquisitions for months, I almost lost it.
An older, brusque woman at the fruit market yelled over a display of fresh corn: "What's he got on his neck?"
I paused for a moment as I collected my thoughts and quietly replied: "He has a muscle condition" then promptly walked away.
But the old lady and her adult daughter caught up to us on the check-out line. "How long does he have to wear that?" the daughter asked. Everyone on line seemed to be listening. I'm sure I turned as red as the tomatoes she was purchasing.
"For a few more months," I said quickly, then turned my back to her.
I find it astonishing that people might think I would want to casually discuss my son's condition with them, these strangers we meet in stores or on the street.
When I got home I vented to my neighbor. "Oh, my," she said. "I don't even like to make eye contact when I go to the store."
Perhaps I should start handing out little cards with Hendrick's medical history - along with the definition of torticollis and graphics to show what could happen to his sweet little face if he doesn't wear the brace - so these nosybodies can have all the details. Or maybe they'd like to accompany us to the physical therapist so they can see how we're trying to keep his head from drooping to one side. Maybe they'll be so moved they'll cover the $40 co-pay.
I know my son's condition is correctable and he won't be wearing the brace for much longer (if we are diligent with his care), but it is upsetting, and these unwelcomed interrogations certainly don't make us feel any better. There are times, such as when we go to a party, I don't put the brace on him just so his condition doesn't have to be a topic of conversation. Other times, I dress Hendrick in a collared shirt so the brace isn't so noticeable.
But what about parents who can't disguise their child's disability? What must it be like for them?
I thought about asking one mother I recently met whose 2-year-old son had such a serious disability he couldn't even hold his head up. I thought, for the sake of this blog, I would ask her how she feels, but I couldn't bring myself to broach the subject as I watched her hold the boy in her arms and feed him.
She has enough to deal with. She doesn't need to satisfy my curiosity. Because, when it comes right down to it, that's all it is.
6 Comments:
People can be so incredibly rude. I'm so sorry to read about your experiences. It has got to be very frustrating to have to deal with that all the time.
: - )
Kate
www.katespot.com
I understand where the author is coming from. My son was diagnosed with many food allergies when he was only 1-2 months old. Until we were able to get all his symptoms under control, he had very puffy, red eyes and eczema (a skin rash that is itchy, red and dry) throughout his face and body. I stayed home most of the time (being a new Mom) and eventially I needed to break away and go out. So I brought him to the store. That is when I was bombarded with questions from a very obnoctious older woman. I would have thought the older generation would have had more consideration, but older is not always wiser. I too Funny thing is, I thought he looked better that day and that is part of the reason I decided to take him out. As a new mother, when I looked at his face, I did not see his rash or his puffy eyes (even though it was significant at times) all I saw was beautiful. That was what hurt the most about the whole ordeal.
I totally understand how you feel.
I am a parent of an autistic child.We deal with people asking whats wrong with him, or the nasty comments and whispers or just stare.
I have come to learn to ignore the ignorant, I tell them he has autism. Some people will ask genuinely what it is..and others just know..but those that dont..well they are not worth my breath, or my energy..
The worst thing we as parents of special needs children have to endure, aside from our child's diability is public that just doesnt understand, nor care to...
I see it this way now..after 6 years of dealing with the rude questions, stares and comments, it doesnt bother me anymore..I smile and say he has autism. He is just THAT special to stand out in a crowd. I have been given the speical gift to care for someone who cant care for themelves..Some days it seems like a burden, but it has its rewards...just remember You are the person your child loves and looks up to..not the ignorant people who feel the need to stare and be rude....
hang in there...
My sympathies! As the mother of two Korean-born children, I (along with every other parent by adoption I know) has to deal with such rude and intrusive questions on a daily basis! It's unbelievable the information people think they are entitled to, not to mention the impact their comments have on my children. My advice is to look them dead in the eye and ask "Why do you ask?" They'll realize they are just being nosy, or they'll offer up their own similar experience (they may have had a child with a similar condition).
first let me say i hope everything is ok with your child. aren't you just being a little over sensitive? aren't most people just being concerned. could be mommy needs to vent. no one likes to see a child hurt or ill. you know the world is hard enough, did you ever think people are not being nosy just caring. you should be happy strangers are showing an interest in you and your child. of course there would be some days you don't want to talk and some who are complete idiots but i'm sure you could come up with a quick polite answer. as for that other woman, she may have welcomed a conversation with you. maybe you are the person she needed to help her through the day,she probablly would have been happy to spend a few moments with someone who was possibly in her boat. you kinda seem embarassed and you think people are accusing you of something. maybe? i dont know? maybe you can think of it from a different point of view. i felt similar to you until i stopped being angry at everyone and every thing. now i think wow there is good in the world people care!
I understand completely with the 'impolite questions' author. When my youngest son was a baby he didnt grow for the first year at all due to a hormonal problem and was an extremely small child. Fortunately puberty helped some with his growth. Also he was walking and talking at 9 months old so you can imagine seeing a tiny baby walking around that wasnt even able to look over a chair. People would look at him and ask me 'what is wrong with that baby' and not in a very nice way. Instead of getting upset with their being rude I would just look very proudly at him and tell them 'Nothing at all' because in my eyes nothing was wrong and it was none of thier business.
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