Blogging By Candlelight

Tonight, just around dusk, the lights went out. For those of us who live in western Monmouth County, where we rely on well water and an electric pump, that means we also can't run the faucets or flush the toilets.

It's life back in the 1800s. (Or 1900s, if you lived on a farm in upstate New York like my mother-in-law.)

"This is about the time farmers would be going to bed anyway," my husband said.

"But I'm not ready for bed. It's only 8:30," I thought to myself. "There's still so much to do."

We had just put Hendrick down to sleep, and I planned to load the dishwasher, throw clothes in the dryer, write a freelance story and, if I had some energy left - pardon the pun - write tonight's blog.

I started to panic.

"Now we can just relax," my husband offered.

I sighed, resigned to the fact that my chores just weren't going to get done tonight.

Does it really take the meltdown of a power grid to get me to relax?

Perhaps I should take this opportunity to work on something more important than a clean house: my marriage.

This revelation comes to me as I sit in bed, jotting down notes by candlelight for this blog. John, meanwhile, with his tiny reading lamp in hand, just went to check on Hendrick. Now he's fumbling around the freezer for some ice cream.

I should join him before the ice cream and this moment melt away.

Spiritual lessons

Motherhood has a funny way of bringing you closer to God. If you weren't the praying kind before baby came along, you'll certainly find plenty of reasons to get down on your knees afterward. At first, it's all praise and glory for your marvelous little creation, and then comes the desperate pleas for help after the first few sleepless nights.

"Lord, I'm so tired. Please don't let my boy wake up yet."

Bargaining quickly follows.

"God, if you can just make him stop screaming while I'm driving this car I'll throw an extra 20 in the basket on Sunday."

Mine aren't the most eloquent prayers - OK, sometimes they're down right selfish - but it is communication and an acknowledgment of a higher power.

But how do we, as believers, instill in our children our religious values?

I found a Boston Globe article titled "Teaching Spiritual Lessons to Children" that sums up how one Methodist couple inculcated their beliefs in their sons. It also mentions a Web site, BabyCenter.com, that offers more advice on the subject.

Service to the Lord is a big part of my family life, but, I admit, it's not so easy to share my convictions. Good Catholics just don't go around bragging about their good deeds and how many Hail Marys they've said on your behalf. We keep it to ourselves.

My husband, on the other hand, is the son of a Baptist minister. He is a deacon in his church and sings in the choir. Sometimes I think he is most comfortable when he is surrounded by stained glass and the sound of an old hymn playing on the organ. He will be the one, I think, to set the vivid example for our son.

Parents shouldn't wait until their children attend religious classes before the subject comes up. We need to be proactive in this area, and start as soon as the baby is born. (Remember, you're also training yourself here, not just the baby.)

My husband and I have been singing religious songs to Hendrick since he was born. He loves the simple melodies of "This Little Light of Mine" and "I've Got a Home in Gloryland That Outshines the Sun."

There are lots of board books that introduce the concept of God to babies and toddlers. Coloring books, videos and even toys with religious themes can help facilitate discussion as your child gets older.

Taking nature walks, showing gratitude for all the blessings in your lives rather than focusing on material possessions and showering others with kindness are all ways to lay the groundwork for your child's spiritual development.

And while your family is still young, it's a great time to start new traditions, such as praying before meals or attending religious services together. (Most churches have a crying room or play room, so use it.)

What better gift to give your child than the knowledge that, when all else in your world is lost, you still have everything if you have your faith?

Here's the link:
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2007/05/26/teaching_spiritual_lessons_to_children?mode=PF

Open Adoption

The thought of open adoption is very scary to some couples, but it doesn't have to be such an uncomfortable proposition. The Washington Post did a great job describing the relationships between one couple who adopted two boys and their respective biological parents.

The May 6 story titled "Open (Secret)" makes for a great read because the players very poignantly tell their side of the story. Most stories, I suspect, aren't filled with such high drama. Mine certainly wasn't.

This lengthy article focuses on the emotional aspect of adoption and, to my dismay, never addresses the cumbersome financial and bureaucratic ends. The writer also gathered facts about domestic adoptions - and why there has been such a decline of babies available in this country. (The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute estimates only 14,000 women in the United States relinquish their babies for adoption each year. Most of them are white.)

If any of my readers is considering open adoption, I recommend that you read this article. Please be mindful as you read, however, that adoptive parents do have some control here. If you don't think you can handle having the biological mother over for Sunday dinner or fly in for a long weekend, then find one who doesn't want to be invited. It's about honesty and working with someone who wants the same level of contact as you do.

But don't make your decision too hastily. When I began this process with an adoption agency in Texas, I just wanted someone to hand me a baby and let me hop on the first plane back to New Jersey, never to see the birth parents again.

That was before my husband and I met Hendrick's 19-year-old birth mother.

John and I were there for her delivery. We held her hand when she was in labor, and took her out for ice cream after we drove her home from the hospital. We grew to love her, too, during the three weeks we spent in Texas.

We used to talk to Hendrick's birth mother every few weeks during the first year of his life. Now, this young woman has a new husband and another baby. And, although we've left messages and sent e-mails, we haven't heard from her in months. (We never had any contact with the birth father.)

There are times, I admit, I want to fly back to Texas and make sure she's OK. But open adoption isn't always about constant - or even consistent - contact. It's about her knowing where we are, and our knowing where she is. And if ever we need each other, all we have to do is pick up the phone.

On that level, we completely agree. And it's quite comfortable.

Here's the Washington Post story link:http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/03/AR2007050301212.html

The Toddler Years

I remember going to the grocery store with my son when he was a baby. I would buckle him into his infant seat and place it in the bottom of the cart, then I would quickly walk the aisles while he babbled to himself and studied other shoppers. (You gotta go fast because you never know when baby is going to completely lose it. Hendrick usually reached that point by the time I reached the checkout counter.)

My boy is now a rambunctious toddler who won't be held captive in a cart for five minutes. I first realized we were going to have problems a few weeks ago, when he wiggled out of the strapped seat and stood up to survey the frozen foods aisle while I turned to grab some veggies from the freezer.

His preferred mode of transportation these days is to grip the side of the cart and hang on while I peruse the aisles. This doesn't sit well with the store manager, of course.

I realize each stage has its challenges, but this one can really make a grown woman cry. I mean a complete breakdown borne from frustration and self-pity. No one can make a toddler understand why he can't have the car keys (Hendrick's latest obsession) or jump on the bed or eat diaper cream. There's no reasoning with him yet.

It's a daily battle for control and, well, some times I feel like he's winning. But I'm not going to surrender. He'll only be in this phase for another year or so, I'm told. (Just the thought of that makes me wince.)

Sometimes a mom just needs to regroup, plan a new strategy and double up her efforts. I call in reinforcements (a.k.a. a babysitter, my mother, a friend) to give me some breathing room and then I hold a strategy session over a quiet dinner with my husband. Then I come back refreshed.

After all, I need to save my strength for the teenage years. More experienced parents keep telling me I haven't seen anything yet.

Here's an article that provides some really good tips on how to deal with toddlers.
http://www.healthnewsdigest.com/news/Children_s_Health_200/Connecting_with_Your_Kids_Loving_Your_Terrible_Terrific_Toddler.shtml

Keep Those Babies Barefoot

My family was constantly trying to get me to put shoes on little Hendrick's feet when he was a baby, but I knew he didn't need them yet. I found a short article that confirms my motherly instinct on footwear.

Now, of course, my 19-month-old boy is wearing sneakers. (I need them, too, to keep up with him!) But I'm going to save this article for when his baby sibling comes along.

Here's the link:
http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070522/LIFESTYLE/705220400/1005

The "Nature through Nuture" Approach to Autism

The medical and pyschiatric professions are starting to take a more serious look at infant mental health. The results are earlier diagnoses - and intensive treatment - for autism, attention deficit disorder and other mental problems, according to an Associated Press article.

The article, which appeared in the North County (Calif.) Times, outlines some very important milestone babies should meet. For mothers who have any concerns about the baby's development, this is a must-read because there is reason to be hopeful, scientists say, that early intervention can help increase the chances of normal development.

Here's the link: http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2007/05/20/health/51907112060.prt

A Picnic on Common Ground

My husband and I are hosting a barbecue tomorrow for New Jersey families who have adopted children from the same adoption agency in Texas. At least 12 families are expected to come.

It's been strange planning a party for people I have never met. I have e-mailed and chatted on the telephone with a few of them, but I don't really know them. I'm not worried, though.

We have so much in common that I'm sure we won't be short on words. It'll be comforting, I think, to spend an afternoon with people who have made the same leap of faith and took the same emotional and financial gamble. These are parents who know what it's like to have friends, family and strangers make thoughtless remarks or ask how much you "paid" for your child.

(Please don't ask us about the costs unless you're planning to adopt and need to know how much to save. It's not something most of us like to dwell on.)

I am looking forward to having all the little longhorns at my house. I want Hendrick to get to know these children and make friends with them over the years. It's important that he spends time with kids who also don't share biological ties with their families so our situation doesn't seem so unusual.

At least, I think it's important. Now. While we're still adjusting to the novelty of having a baby that someone else delivered.

Maybe Hendrick won't ever care that he's adopted. Maybe it won't be an issue for him. Or maybe it will. So, just in case, I want to keep these families around.

Maybe I'll be the one who needs them for moral support some day.

Blame it on a Working Mom. She's an Easy Target.

The headline was enough to draw me in: "Our nation's future depends on mothers who stay at home." Just what I needed, another social conservative to blame us working moms for all that ills society. But I had to read on.

Columnist John Nash of the Hernando Today in Florida contends that the majority of us liberated ladies only work because we want to avoid the "most difficult, largely thankless" task of raising children. He says this is our "natural" job, not the one at the office.

(He obviously never saw me browbeat a politician who misspent public dollars, or forced a public servant to explain why he thought it was OK to spend taxpayer dollars on lobster dinners.)

Mr. Nash surmises that only 3 percent of mothers really work because our families need the money. The rest of us do it to further our careers or escape "the heavy responsibilities and tiring workload of the home and hearth."

Well, I'm certainly not going to argue with the "tiring workload" part. Right now, I'm downright exhausted. But I'd hazard to guess that a lot more than 3 percent of us work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table - particularly in a state like New Jersey, where we have the highest property taxes in the nation.

I wish I could have stayed home a little longer with my son, who turned 19 months today, before I went back to work on a part-time basis. But we weren't able to save enough money for that purpose and pay adoption fees.

I guess we could manage on one salary, if Mr. Nash thinks that would spare my son from antisocial behavior down the road. But then how could we save enough money for our Hendrick-Needs-a-Sibling account? Adoptions can be pretty expensive.

Maybe I should tell my husband to get out of journalism and get a higher paying job in corporate communications. Maybe I should tell him to sacrifice his ethics, leave his calling behind and go make some real money so I can stay home.

I don't think that would be very good for our marriage.

Unlike Mr. Nash, I am not convinced that a woman's place is just in the home. Does he really think we can find fulfillment by keeping house and caring for the kids all day, every day, year after year until the kids graduate high school? I guess he's not concerned with our need to find fulfillment and a sense of self-worth beyond the front porch.

I thought the late Betty Friedan helped clear up this kind of thinking a long time ago.


Here's the link to the column:
http://www.hernandotoday.com/columnists/MGBXL0Y9S1F.html

Create Your Own Playground

Some days you just don't have time to take your child to the park. You have to create a playground wherever you are.

Lately I've had a lot of family obligations and my boy seems to be getting the short shrift. Fun just hasn't been the priority. Today, though, I wanted things to be different.

My mother and I had several errands to run. There wasn't much excitement at the bank or the dry cleaners and Hendrick slept through most of our visit to the mattress store. Lunch got a little better. There were a few kids in the restaurant to keep him engaged for a little while. But it wasn't until we hit the furniture store that things got rocking.

Ahhh, there is was. A huge showroom with plenty of room to run around, soft couches to roll around on, mattresses to jump on and few customers to bump into. (There was almost a collision with a arm chair that a store employee was transporting somewhere, but Hendrick adeptly bounced off the soft leather and kept going. That's my boy.)

While my mother haggled with the salesman I played peek-a-boo in the juvenile section, tickled him on several of the Serta Perfect Sleepers and watched him play quietly underneath one of those bunk beds with a desk underneath. I thought it would make a nice fort but I didn't want to press my luck.

Hendrick was distracted from our game of opening and closing the doors of an Oak bookcase by a green balloon a salesman gave him. He watched it dance underneath the ceiling vents while I wrapped the curly ribbons around his leg, just for fun.

We all left the store happy. My mom got a good price on a mattress, my son got to run wild and I got to see him laugh.

My Mother's Day Gift

This is Nina's husband, John. Because it is Mother's Day weekend (and because she needs a break), I'm blogging for her today. Happy Mother's Day, Nina (and to all her friends on jerseyshoremoms.com, too).

---

Every morning I get up with our son. I feed him, change him and talk to him. I see Hendrick's first smile, wipe away his first tear and hear his first word. But that word is never for me, nor is it for his bottle or a favorite toy. His first word is a plea for his one true love: Mama.

Because Nina works nights, I try to keep our little guy quiet while she snoozes, but that has become a losing battle. He wants to see Mama, hug Mama, crawl all over Mama. With open arms and sleep still in her eyes, she always greets him, and that is when Hendrick truly starts his day.

Every day for our boy is filled with light and wonder, much of which is provided by his mother. I have a favorite photo of Nina, sitting on the floor with Hendrick. She was reading a book to him, adding dialogue, describing pictures, teaching numbers and colors, actions and emotions. Hendrick was enchanted.

The picture is beautiful, but the scene is not unique. Day after day, whether it is "Goodnight, Moon" or "The Going to Bed Book," Nina puts her heart and soul into the readings. Then Hendrick will bring her more books, one after another, for more heart and more soul. And Nina always gives.

It is easy to see why Hendrick's first word of the day is "Mama." She gives our son her all -- despite illness, exhaustion or distraction -- every day and in every way.

Our lives are not perfect. We don't get enough sleep. We work too much and play too little. But those morning moments and times together are our perfect world. For that I thank an amazing little boy and his beautiful mother.

Mothers, Make A Difference

Here's a gift we can give ourselves on Mother's Day: a reality check on the status of mothers. This information certainly isn't packaged with a pretty pink bow, but then it isn't designed to make you feel warm and fuzzy. It's intended to provoke you into becoming active in the struggle to make mothers a more valued part of our society.

Author Riane Eisler has done a lot of research on the status of women. We need to hear what she has to say because we are the ones who feel the economic pinch when business and government don't enact policies that make our lives more manageable and our futures more secure.

Below I am copying the press release promoting Eisler's new book because I, too, am hoping that when women begin to fully understand how society is taking them for granted, they will get angry enough to take action. Eisler offers some wonderful suggestions on how to get started.

As for women in power, I can only hope that they will be among the first to institute some of the needed changes in our workplaces, homes and bank accounts.

Here's the release:

LOS ANGELES, CA -- (MARKET WIRE) -- May 07, 2007 -- With Mother's Day coming up, people are looking for ways to make their mothers and wives feel special, but we should really be looking at how women are treated in their daily lives, according to Riane Eisler, author of "The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring Economics" and the international bestseller "The Chalice and the Blade." Women in the U.S. are twice as likely as men to live in poverty after the age of 65. Most of these women were caregivers either for their families or for others through their jobs, yet their reward is poverty -- even though Salary.com, a compensation software and data company, estimates that the annual market value of stay-at-home mothers' work is $138,095.

"Most people agree that the work of mothers, raising children and guiding them so they can become positive, productive members of society, is one of the most important jobs on earth. So, why is it the least valued in our economic system?" Eisler asks. "Whether mothers are working outside the home or are stay-at-home mothers, we have to make changes to help family units thrive. In our business practices," she says, "we should require paid parental leave supported both by employers and the re-allocation of our tax dollars. We have to demand changes from our government and politicians to reflect what we value on a personal level -- people, family, mothers, the people who care for our children."

An important point that Eisler makes in "The Real Wealth of Nations" is that in cultures where the status of women is higher, there is less violence, less poverty, longer adult life spans, and lower infant mortality rates. "It is surprising to me that in the U.S., a country that is supposed to be so advanced, we still offer so few benefits for mothers and we still have some musicians and other public figures openly putting down women," says Eisler, who is also president of the Center for Partnership Studies (www.partnershipway.org).

She points out that California is the first state in the U.S. to require paid parental leave, and that most states still have no such laws, even though they are commonplace in other nations.

Eisler's recommendations for things you can do to make a difference for mothers in the U.S.:

1. To help stay-at-home mothers, phone call-in shows to bring attention to the fact that mothers are not really valued when it comes to providing for them in their old age, and write letters to your representatives and to political candidates asking for laws that provide social security payments and tax credits to parents and other caregivers.

2. To help mothers who also work outside of the home, ask your representative and your employer to institute paid parental leave and flex-time for parents.

3. Show businesses how cost-effective it is to have on-site daycare. (Many studies show that companies with on-site daycare see a high return on their investment, reflecting less absenteeism, greater worker retention, and improved productivity.)

4. For people who are in positions of influence, such as business managers and other leaders, use your power to enact change by implementing better policies to support families, including good medical care, parental leave policies, and educational programs.

For more information on Eisler, visit www.rianeeisler.com.

Care for the Kids/Keep Up with the Career

As Mother's Day approaches, my search engines are bombarding me with sweet and sappy stories about a mother's love as well as articles containing dismal facts about the sorry condition of women and children around the world.

Over the next few days I will share some of the information I find most relevant, particularly concerning the status of working mothers, stay-at-home moms and those like me who are trying to be a little of both.

For now, I will direct you to a Web site called jobsandmoms.com. You can sign up for a free newsletter that offers "25 Powerful (and Free) Resources to Help Jumpstart Your Mom-Friendly Career."

There's also another Web site called MamaSaid.com, which is geared for part-time and full-time stay-at-home mothers. It's a bit of a hodge-podge but you may find some helpful hints there.

The founders of both these Web sites were quoted in a New York Times business article that offered tips for mothers returning to work. Mothers, they say, shouldn't sell themselves short. While you were running the household, paying the bills and changing diapers, you were honing your time management and organizational skills. (Think about it. Have we ever in our lives had to juggle so many things at once then get up the next morning and do it all over again with the same amount of stamina??)

If you're not just ready to go back to the office, keep yourself current by taking continuing education courses in your field and read industry journals so you don't get behind the times.

I, personally, stay in touch with the ever-changing role of reporters by talking with my former colleagues. Every now and then we go to lunch or dinner and we talk about how things have changed in the office and what is expected of them these days. (Apparently, there's a gadget called a Treo that they carrying around now; it has voice and Internet capabilities. I'm not worrying about it too much because technology undoubtedly will produce something new by the time I get back in a beat.)

Also, choose your volunteer roles carefully, the article says. Help out in areas that relate to your career. (I, for example, am helping my husband's church publicize an upcoming opera concert.)

Here's the link: http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070430/BIZ/704300316/-1/RSS

Leave No Child Inside

I recently read a provocative article in Orion magazine about a movement to reconnect kids with nature. The article, called "Leave No Child Inside," talks about a groundswell movement in California that focuses on the importance of having children play outside.

The movement also is questioning why some schools have windows that don't open, why communities are built without sidewalks, and why too many kids don't know how to fish.

Sound familiar?

In New Jersey, most cities don't have enough parks, open spaces or community gardens. Most suburban towns don't have sidewalks - not that there are many workplaces or shops you could walk to anyway. In rural areas, many farmers just don't want to farm anymore, and McMansions sprout where corn, rye and vegetables once grew.

It's easy to get down on New Jersey when I start thinking about how we have mistreated our environment and paved over so much of a precious - and limited - resource. But there is reason to be hopeful.

I went to Ag Field Day at Cook College, Rutgers University, last month. My 18-month-old son got up close and personal with cows, sheep and pigs. He even fed hay to a goat. We bought Rutgers tomato plants, which are genetically engineered to grow in our climate, and we chatted with a young woman who was studying to become a veterinarian.

There was something about Cook College students that seemed a little more wholesome than your typical college kid. They were in touch with nature. They seemed to understand the importance of keeping the Garden State green and full of farm animals.

Perhaps most of us start out with a real curiosity and respect for nature. There wasn't much nature in Hudson County, where I grew up, but I sure did get my fill when I visited my grandparents at their summer home in the Poconos. I remember catching tadpoles in milk jugs, picking the blueberries that grew wild in the woods and kayaking on a lake. We made campfires and learned to shoot BB guns and ate tomatoes that my grandfather grew in his back yard.

Perhaps I'm a little sensitive about this issue because, as a child, I was keenly aware that my family had to drive two hours if we wanted to commune with nature.

It doesn't have to be that way for my son, though. We live in a more rural part of the state, and my husband and I are trying to teach him early how to enjoy the great outdoors. We will do everything to ensure he won't be left inside, spending his days playing video games or watching television.

Attending events like Ag Field Day is just one way to help children feel connected to the land and all its wonderful creatures. Now when I read Hendrick books about farm animals and show him the illustrations I wonder if he makes the real-life connection.

Probably not yet, but someday.

Here's the link to the Orion article:
http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/240

A Cookie Crumbling

My mother ordered me a subscription of Working Mother magazine last year in an attempt to show her support for my decision to work part-time while raising my son.

At first, I was intrigued by a magazine that celebrates women who have both a career and a family. My self esteem, however, started to suffer as I stared month after month at all those professional women on the cover who seemed to have it all. You know what I mean; the women who have a high-paying job, a handsome husband, adorable kids and a clean house. Did I mention the perfect hair and makeup?

I would read their stories to get inspiration. I would tell myself to adopt some of their secrets for success. Then I would urge myself to work harder, more efficiently, so I could be like them.

I'm still not ready to be a cover girl, though.

Today I read an article about mothers being honored by Cookie magazine for their efforts to improve the lives of women and children. Several of those Smart Cookies, as they are called, were celebrities who founded charitable organizations or raised millions of dollars for worthy causes. Others were "amazing moms" who accomplished great things, according to the magazine.

Most days I feel like this cookie is crumbling. Maybe this is what it's like for middle-class moms with no celebrity status and no money for a maid, nanny and gardener. It's not easy to hold it together, especially when, in my case, I have a toddler who won't sit still, a husband who works long hours and a disabled father. I work three nights a week as a copy editor and write this blog and feature stories in my spare time. (It's 11:50 p.m.)

But before I allowed myself to feel inadequate once again, I asked myself a very important question: How do they find the time to be so amazing?

Newswoman Barbara Walters once said (I'm paraphrasing here) you can have the perfect job, the perfect marriage and the perfect children, but you can't have them all at once.

We all want to hit that trifecta, but something inevitably suffers when we're forced to choose what is most important to us. Maybe those choices don't always sit well with us, as we struggle for perfection, but we have to make them.

I once had a high-powered boss with a young daughter. The woman, who made big bucks, told me she spent one hour in the morning with her child before leaving for work and one hour at night with her before the girl went to bed.

I couldn't bear to spend only two waking hours a day with my son, so I guess I've made my choice.

His name is Hendrick.

Pediatricians' View on Infants Watching TV

Contemporary Pediatrics magazine published an article last month that summarizes the major effects television is believed to have on children. (As you can imagine, it's not good.)

The authors, both pediatricians, report that children spend an average of 3-6 hours in front of the television or "other screened media" (I assume they mean computers, video games or movies).

They also stress that the American Pediatrics Association discourages TV viewing for children under age 2. There are other, they say, "more appropriate activities for children to engage in during that critical window of neurological development. "

And, to make matters worse, they say allowing our infants to watch videos targeted for their age group won't help turn them into a budding Einstein or Mozart. (Isn't that the reason we bought all those videos in the first place?)

"Despite explicit and implicit claims to the contrary," the authors write, "these products have no demonstrated ability to make children smarter, more musical, or more mathematically inclined."

Sometimes I think I've been focusing on this television-watching debate out of guilt. I know I shouldn't park Hendrick in front of the boob tube, but sometimes I just need a break.

Do these pediatricians know what it's like to take a shower while your toddler is running around the bathroom, sticking his head underneath the shower curtain, drenching half his body while he reaches for the faucets and turns off the cold water just as you're trying to rinse the shampoo out of your hair????

Probably not.

But then again, it doesn't matter. There's never a good excuse for promoting a bad habit.

I guess I'll just have to wait until nap time to wash up.

Here's the link: http://www.contemporarypediatrics.com/contpeds/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=412515&pageID=1&sk=&date