What's the right thing?

There are certain things no one really tells you how to do...like speaking to your children about cancer - or of a potential job loss.
Five years ago, doctors discovered a growth on one of my husband's kidneys. They were pretty certain that the mass was contained, but they were almost 100 percent sure that the kidney would have to be removed.
We learned the news in early 2005, but surgery wouldn't be performed until June. The waiting was agony, but up until the week before surgery, we shielded the kids from the news. They were younger then - 10, 12 and 15 - and there didn't seem to be any reason to worry them, especially since Dad was looking good, keeping up with his daily schedule.
Timing never seems to be on our side, so the surgery was scheduled just before school was to get out for the summer. Two of the boys were scheduled to have finals (one in high school, one in middle). The youngest was finishing up his last year of elementary school. It seemed like such a burden to put on them, that we consciously waited until the last minute.
With the help of some truly special friends (including two of the boys' elementary school teachers) and family we made it through. The boys had a wonderful end of the school year, dad recovered and life went on.
Now we're facing a potential job loss.
The news will come any time now and yet again, we've chosen not to get into specifics with the kids. We've talked about tightening our belts, and we haven't been going out to dinner as often as we had. Our vacations are more staycations. The oldest has been working full-time all summer to help pay for college, while the middle son, after a summer of lawn cutting jobs, is looking for something else come fall.
In other words, we've talked about the economy, but not about a job will be there next week.
I don't know if it's the right course of action. Do we get everyone worried about something that "might'' happen - or do we wait to see if (or when) the axe will fall? I want to be truthful, but I also want them to enjoy their last weeks of freedom before school starts.
One way or another, we'll have to have the talk...now if I could just find the right words.

Good Times

The cup of coffee made all the difference in the world.
It's not been a good couple of days in our household, and Friday wasn't shaping up to be any better. There were the stresses of work, the stresses of the husband's work, back-to-school stresses, the toilet isn't flushing properly stresses and so on and so on.
Before heading off to work, I had to follow the husband down to the repair shop so he could get his truck fixed and then bring back him home.
It was only 8 a.m. and I was already on my way to major league cranky.
Getting home, I grabbed my work stuff and headed out the door. That's when son number two appeared in front of me with a 24-ounce cup of 7-11 coffee. "I thought you could use it,'' he said, handing the cup over.
As much as I may complain, I know my boys are good kids. They're kind and considerate to others, mind their manners and generally know right from wrong. They're not perfect by any means, but they do know they've loved and appreciated.
They're not always intuitive, though, so this cup of coffee brought a tear to my eye.
""Geez, mom, it's just a cup of coffee,'' my boy said, shaking his head as a lone tear rolled down my face. ""You don't have to start balling.''
But I did.
It's mother moments like this when you realize that all the talking, talking talking you did, when they were younger did sink in. Maybe those conversations about thinking about others were actually heard and stored away. And maybe, just maybe, all those years of Random Acts of Kindness in and out of school really did make a difference.
I hugged him, and then a second time, harder and longer.
"Thank you'' didn't seem adequate.
"You're a wonderful young man,'' I said, looking him square in the eye, "and I am so proud to be your mother.''
It was a Hallmark moment - until he smiled, laughed and uttered those famous words, ""Yeah, whatever.''

On The Road (Maybe)

So where am I spending my summer vacation?
It's going to be on the road with son number two doing the ""search for the perfect post-secondary institution of higher education.''
At least that would I would love to be saying I'm doing.
There's only one small problem. Son number two isn't following along with the game plan.
It's not that I'm asking him to clean his room or anything. All I want him to do is find four or so schools he's interested in applying to and finding out when they're doing orientation tours this summer.
Turns out it's a really hard request for a number of reasons: He doesn't want to give up a Saturday. He's got plans. He doesn't want to be in a car for a couple of hours.
I've tried reasoning with the boy, pointing out that a summer trip is less informal and will give him an opportunity to see where he likes the size, location and opportunities the school has to offer. I've tried to make it sound like a wonderful adventure, filled with a lot of surprises.
Still, he resists.
I've even enlisted the help of his older brother, who, for once, agrees with my line of thinking.
Older son even gave younger brother some things to look for on these tours: dorm room sizes, ratio of guys to girls, what the does cafeteria look (and smell like), where's the nearest Starbucks.
If he were younger I would sit down right next to him and watch him do his work. But I'm trying not to be that mom. Trying not to be that helicopter parent who hovers morning, noon and night.
The biggest lesson I learned with the older son is that he, and he alone, is responsible for his actions. If he chooses not to do his laundry, it doesn't have anything to do with me. If he chooses to skip class, it's not my problem. And if he spends all his money on Starbucks I don't have to give him more money (although I do like to point out that 7-11 coffee tastes better and costs less).
So maybe I have to go to a parent's favorite weapon - the ultimatum. If he doesn't get a list of schools and dates together by Monday, I'll just have to disconnect the Xbox 360 or take away the cell phone.
I won't take away computer privileges, though. That would just be the excuse he needed not to get those visits lined up.

Just Read the Book

Those summer reading lists are always a slippery slope in our house.
While I want the ones who are still in high school to get the reading done and over with, they believe that later is better.
Their argument: "If we read it now, we'll forget it by the time we get back to school and are tested on it.''
I sort of understand their point of view. There have been many summer mornings when I've asked them to do things when I'm at work, only to come home eight hours later to find clothes put in the dryer (but not turned on) or garbage still waiting to be taken out.
"I Forgot'' seems to be the most sung song in our house, so to ask them to read, recall and remember something six weeks later when they can't remember something six hours earlier may be pushing the envelope.
And unlike their younger years, when I would curl up with them at night and let them read me "Where The Wild Things Are'' or "Goosebumps'' or the latest Matt Christopher book, I would prefer not to hear word by word from "Maus I'' or "Freakonomics.'' Read it by myself and then discuss it yes, have them read it aloud to me no (unless I wanted to fall asleep).
So we're at a standstill now. What they don't know is that a trip to the bookstore is on tap for tonight. Not that I expect them to stop "Call of Duty'' and start reading right away, but so that I won't be running around from bookstore to bookstore looking for a copy of "The Kite Runner'' because every other mother has decided it's time for her son or daughter to start his or her summer reading. (And with the price of gas these days, I'm a firm believer in one-stop shopping).
It's not that my guys don't like to read, but they like reading on their terms: ESPN magazine, Sports Illustrated, "The Alphabet of Manliness.''
So when you hear moaning tonight, don't be scared...it's just me reminding my boys that school is just around the corner.

Another Thing You Can't Do

Seems that it's just not teens in the United States doing stupid stunts when they're bored.
Turns out some kids in the United Kingdom are engaging in Facebook ""dipping.''
According to published reports, the teens are using the imagery on Google Earth to locate private pools and then inviting friends via social networking sites such as Facebook to join them at clandestine pool parties.
The teens pick late-night hours or wait until homeowners leave for work to start their swim parties. Homeowners are either woken up by the splashing or return home to find their yards littered with beer cans and other party paraphernalia.
Of course, the party invitations also advise ""guests'' to bring their bicycles so they can make a quick getaway if the police are called.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if teens used all that creativity for something a little more important, say writing an essay for a college application?
But that's probably considered work, while spending countless hours on Google Earth is ""just having fun.''
It's not that pool dipping is something new .‚.‚. teens have been hotel pool hopping for years. And it's not that kids haven't scouted out pools in the neighborhood on foot in years gone by.
Now, they can just be couch potatoes to do it. Sit up in bed, grab a lap top, click on Google Earth and then send virtual invites via Facebook. And they don't have to miss a minute of ""The Hills'' or ""Pimp My Ride'' in the process.
So not only are the kids not the brightest bulbs, they're also lazy.
Now, parents will have to add another ""Don't Do This'' to the ever-growing list, because you know some teens will come up with the defense of ""But you never said I couldn't.''

Teens Behaving Stupidly

Well, here's another thing I guess I have to tell my teens: do not deliver deliver LSD-laced cookies to their local police department.
It would seem like a no-brainer to me, what with LSD being illegal and all, not to mention the fact the police are trained to sniff out drugs.
But I guess no one told 18-year-old Christian Phillips.
The Texas teen, at least according to police and news reports, was delivering baskets of homemade cookies and candy to area police departments, claiming that they came from MADD. On Phillips' list were 25 departments in North Texas, a dozen of which had been checked off.
Phillips was arrested on Tuesday after taking cookies to the Lake Worth police station, which had been tipped that someone was falsely claiming to deliver treats on behalf of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
Officers took one whiff of the tasty treats and thought they smelled marijuana. Preliminary tests instead detected the powerful hallucinogen LSD.
Did we happen to mention that at least three officers in Forth Worth got sick after eating some cookies and candy delivered from a basket delivered to that station Monday night? Police are conducting tests and charges will be filed if LSD or another drug or chemical is found in the food.
Phillips has denied trying to contaminate the treats and offers up a possible explanation: one of his friends might have been smoking pot while he was baking.
Now that's a novel excuse, maybe one I can use when my family doesn't like something I've cooked: "It's not my fault the barbecued chicken tastes funny - someone was smoking a cigarette on the street.''
My boys are not whizzes in the kitchen, but they do know their way around and have created some wonderful things over the years, all without the help of illegal drugs. And anyone can come into my kitchen any time and look in my pantry - there's marjoram, but not marijuana; lemon & herb seasoning, but no LSD.
My kids are by no means angels, but they're not stupid or disrespectful, either. And no, I've never felt the need to tell them not to put illegal substances in food or beverages. But maybe I should.
Seems that the list of things teens should be told not to do are growing day by day.

What Was He Thinking?

"What was he thinking?''
It was the first thing that popped in my head when I heard the news report about the south Georgia teenager.
The 16-year-old has been charged with child cruelty after an online video showed him launching a baby several feet across a room.
In the video, the teen places the baby on an inflatable pillow and then jumps on the pillow, launching the infant into the air. (The baby had been left in the care of the family of the teen who was behind the camera shooting the video, according to news reports.)
I couldn't - and still can't - fathom why anyone would 1) think such a thing was funny and 2) think that it should be something videotaped and put on YouTube.
What was he thinking?
I know it's a parent's duty and responsibility to teach their children right from wrong from toddlerhood through teens. But do we have to really have to get down to little nitty gritty specifics - "You should never put an infant on an inflatable pillow and try to launch the child in the air?''
Why does it seem that more teens are concerned with seeing themselves on YouTube than being seen as compassionate individuals? When did it become so cool to be cruel and thoughtless? What happened to thinking before acting?
It would be easy to blame the parents, but the responsibility falls directly on the shoulders on the teen. It was his decision to do something stupid. It was his decision to go for laughs over safety.
And the punishment should be his alone.
For some reason, we're all too willing to try to make excuses for our children: he didn't mean it; it was only a joke; he thought it would be funny.
But who's laughing?